Not quite interesting but kind of fascinating.

One of my students pointed out how I use the word “fascinating” when I’m truly pondering, ruminating, bordering on perseverating about human behavior. Another friend of mine that I’ve known since a trip to Australia in 8th grade used to say, “that’s…interesting”, in an attempt to avoid hurting someone’s feelings because what she really wanted to say was, “what are you talking about?!”.  So, unless I’m watching my son’s football games or Game of Thrones, “interesting” doesn’t cut it when I’m observing behavior. I’m not actually interested, I may have my attention focused on it but that doesn’t mean I find it interesting. But often, I am fascinated.

Sometimes it’s because of the audacity human behavior demonstrates. Sometimes it’s because of their boldness. Sometimes I’m genuinely bewildered and therefore become fascinated and need to learn more as soon as possible. 

Once I get my mind on something, I’m in.  I don’t stop until I have reached the optimal amount of understanding - which is likely never. Both a student and a colleague pointed this out to me: “You’re studying dopamine and reward centers in the brain for the fun of it?” I clarify that I’m researching because I’m fascinated about addictive and habitual behaviors.

My family's dynamics are probably fascinating to some people. They became less and less interesting as I learned more about mood disorders and personality disorders in my career as a psychotherapist. I stopped sharing stories about their antics because people were genuinely entertained to hear about them. Like a reality show. This realization became embarrassing to me because as much as I try to have an identity of my own, I was raised by these people. I questioned that if they were so entertaining, it meant that the experience I had growing up was less valid and something I should just laugh off.  And those with whom I shared stories were asking about details for their own entertainment, not because they were worried about their or my well-being. A hurtful and sobering realization. 

A psychic medium recently told me that since I exist in the darkness so much - my thoughts and absorption of others energy - I need to be intentional about creating light. I can be fascinated by human behavior and have a sense of humor. I can bring lightness to my life. I don’t have to surrender to the darkness. 

So, this is the way my mind works. Dark and light. Overthinking, over analyzing, questioning everything. It might not be fascinating to you but welcome to it.

Kate